Teach a child how he should live, and he'll remember it all his life

Many a times, I have heard of parents telling me that their child is too active, cannot sit still for 5 minutes, hard to teach them, etc. Many of these parents like to attribute this to their child's natural character, say, "She's just born like that". While I agree that yes, some child are born more active than others; there is also a need to understand if a child's behavior is 'by nature' like this, or is it due to a lack of limit setting since young.

Discipline is always hard. One can easily overdo it, or 'under do it'. Putting too much restraints on a child may cause the child to be too reserved, not willing to explore; while not setting limits for the child will cause a child to be over-active, difficult to control.

God is always fair. I have had 2 girls with directly opposite characteristics. Ariel, my older child, is more reserved and easy to discipline and everyone agrees that she is a 'easy-to-manage' child. Ainsley, my younger girl, on the other hand, is like a little tornado in her early toddler days. She is also a lot more stubborn and would always 'try' me, testing to see if I would give in to her. Thus, it is interesting to hear how Ainsley's Sunday school teachers describe her as 'well-behaved' during school.

Frankly, I felt rather relieved to hear that.

So, 1. WHAT is limit-setting?
Limit-setting is setting boundaries for a child. It's about establishing rules for a child. It does NOT mean restricting a child, forbiding him/her to explore on her own, or confine him/her to a playpen. In fact, restricing a toddler or stopping him/her from exploring the environment has detrimental effects on development.

2. WHY should you limit-set?
First of all, one needs to recognise the need to limit-set and discipline a child, right from a very young age. I have heard many people say, "An active child is good!! Better an active child than one who is too shy." While that is true, it is important to realise that the other side of active is not really 'shy' in the first place. One can be vocal, and yet disciplined as well. From what I observed, an over-active child takes longer to learn skills, be it self-help skills or academics. An over-active child, for instance, may not be willing to sit on potty for more han 5 mins, thus making toilet-training a little harder. An over-active child who is always on the move, may not be able to sit down to write her ABCs.

3. WHO should do it? ("I am too soft")
Many people like to put off discipling a child or 'outsource' discipline because he/she thinks he/she is 'too soft', 'my child won't listen to me'. Here's when resilence comes in. Discipline needs to be metted out consistently. Do not change the rules easily, but perservere till you reach your goal.
I would also like to propose that the one who takes up the rein of disciplining be the parents of the child, or someone whom the child trusts. If discipline is metted out by someone whom the child trusts and trust has been well-established in the infant stage, the child is more likely to see discipline as something good, and in the long-run, will see authority as something good for them. I often wonder why many people like to say teenages are always rebellious. I sincerely belive teenagers do not become rebellious overnight.

4. WHEN should you start limit-setting?
Never assume that a child is 'too young' to understand discipline. Some parents like to think of their child as babies, even up to the age of 3-4 years old. If you think they are babies, they shall always behave like babies. I begin limit-setting my children as early as when they start to explore cause-and-effect. And that means, it was as early as 9-10 months for Ainsley and about 11 months for Ariel. One obvious example of babies trying to learn cause-and-effect is when they start throwing toys out of their high-chair and see if you would pick it up for them. When you pick it up for them, they throw again and see your reaction.

5. HOW do you limit-set?
As mentioned earlier, limit-set is NOT about restricting a child from doing this or that, it's about teaching children the rules (of life), values (of what is good and bad). So, with this, limit-setting would involve a lot of teaching a child how to manage his/her life; guiding a child on what he/she is supposed and not supposed to do. Thus, discipline is a good thing and it need not involve caning the child at all.

Some tips include:
a. During meals, right from 6 months, when a child is starting semi-solids, let him/her have the meal on a high-chair. I am strongly against children playing/walking about as they eat. It will not only take forever for them to finish a meal and in some cases, it can cause indigestion/appendicitis as well.

b. Keep your house child-proof, so that a child is safe wandering about the house. I have seen some caregivers confining a child to a playpen or confined in a room, just to keep the child safe. To me, that is an old school of thought. Children who are confined in their toddler years, would create a havoc and become overwhelmed once they are 'let out of their cage'!!

c. Thirdly and most importantly, always teach by using cause-and-effect. Often, i find it very amazing how God intended 'cause-and-effect' to be the first thing we humans learn. For every action, we do, there is always an effect. Since our babies are so eager to learn that in their first year of life, why don't we make use of this 'natural instinct' to teach them?

One classic example was how Ariel was very amazed by remote controls during her early toddler days. Each time she presses it, it will mess up the TV. I remembered how I would point it out to her that each time she presses something wrong, the TV shuts down and we can't watch it anymore. (I would then proceed to switch off the TV) She understood that very quickly at the age of 15 months and since then, she would always hand me the remote controls when she sees it lying around in the living room. With Ainsley, we use the same methods and it works just as well.

Once we understand our children, give them the correct amount of attention and love, and impose the right discipline, our children will turn out alright, I believe. In parenting, the issue is never about the children (no child is too hard to parent), it's really about what we parents bring to this parent-child relationship.