And so, the time has finally arrived and Ariel is moving on to formal school education. As much as I've always hoped for the day to come since they were born - on the pretext that I'll have more free time, since they're going to spend more hours in school - I've come to realise that parenting really does get harder as the children grows.
On choosing THE primary school to go to, most parents in Singapore would opt for the best school they can possibly get their kids into. Everyone wants to be the best isn't it? I've the privilege of being in the alumnae of a good school in Singapore, and so am spared the agony of balloting. However, most do not realise that accompanying the reputation of a good school is that of a big pool of talented students and competitive parents.
During Ariel's Orientation, I was relieved to hear the Principal of the school reminding parents NOT to compare their kids' results, achievements or piano levels, but focus on a well-rounded, holistic education. I really appreciate the Principal, but I know: Although we know this in our heads, in the hearts of every parent, we'll still compare. After all, this is the by-product of our country's meritocratic system!
I admit that as much as I don't like to be caught in the competitive nature of education, to say that I'm NOT in the least bit competitive, I'd be kidding myself. I was from a very competitive environment after all. I did consider sending my kids to a neighbourhood school just so that I would never have to be caught in senseless chatters like "how did your girl do for the Maths test?", but then I did think to myself, would it be any better?
So, the questions arise: Do I prefer my kid to be a big fish in a small pond; or a small fish in a big pond? Am I (or her) be able to withstand the "rat race" in an elite school?
First of all, I'd think being a big fish in a small pond is definitely a feel-good thing. I'm a perfectionist and I know I'd be perfectly happy being the parent of some star student. Well, who doesn't like to receive praises about their child right?
Being a small fish in a big pond is a lot more stress for the parents. Imagine parents 'sharing notes' on the best tuition centres in town; parents asking your kids what are the grades your kids got; parents debating why their child cannot get into the best class or not receive the well-rounded award. OR if your child happens to be a big fish, as the saying goes, "树大招风“, parents will be talking behind your back and teachers will have high expectations on your child (AND you). These to me, are harder.
As to how things would work out for Ariel in the big pond? I really do not know. Although I can psycho myself to only focus on Ariel enjoying learning and not be affected by the surrounding, I know that's easier said than done. I know I will be competitive; I know I would be concern if she's meeting the mark. But I guess the best I can be, is really to keep these stress to ourselves and to suck it in.
While being a big fish in a small pond is an easier choice, I know the big fish in a small pond will eventually have to move to a bigger pond at one point or another. How then, will she cope? It's better to get use to the big pond now..
December 04, 2013
August 14, 2013
The Mom of the Girl who thinks too Much
With the PSLE around the corner, I've the privilege of talking to a few mommies who have kids sitting for the PSLE. While most mommies are worried about their kids being "too cool" about the exams, I was silently wishing: How I wish Ariel can be normal! Being cool and unperturbed about exams, etc., just like other normal kids.
However, I know if that really happens, it'll really be a miracle.
Extremes are never a good thing. Ariel is someone who worries so much, such that she can lose sleep over an excursion; or on the day that she's supposed to be something "extraordinary" (like visiting a Primary school and buying her own food), she'll get a stomachache. As her mom, I can't deny that I worry constantly about her sleeplessness, her inability to take failures and even how she copes with peers who might see her as a goody-two-shoes!
So, instead of a girl who thinks too much, you now have a mom who worries too much.
However, after learning from a friend on how to raise a child who's very self-motivated, and a perfectionist, like Ariel, I've come to realise a few things I should change first, in order to help her:
However, I know if that really happens, it'll really be a miracle.
Extremes are never a good thing. Ariel is someone who worries so much, such that she can lose sleep over an excursion; or on the day that she's supposed to be something "extraordinary" (like visiting a Primary school and buying her own food), she'll get a stomachache. As her mom, I can't deny that I worry constantly about her sleeplessness, her inability to take failures and even how she copes with peers who might see her as a goody-two-shoes!
So, instead of a girl who thinks too much, you now have a mom who worries too much.
However, after learning from a friend on how to raise a child who's very self-motivated, and a perfectionist, like Ariel, I've come to realise a few things I should change first, in order to help her:
- BE PATIENT. I need to be patient to listen to her worries and thoughts, even if they make me wanna pull my hair out at times =P
- WEAR A POKER FACE AND FAKE A POKER VOICE. I need to wear a poker face and not let my slightest frown make her doubt herself. Being a HSC, she takes criticism very seriously. I need to learn how to manage my tone of voice too, to not sound frustrated at her worries.
- TELL MYSELF RESULTS AND EXAMS IS JUST A PIECE OF PAPER. [quote from my friend :)] I need to focus more on the learning process rather than results. I need to manage my own expectations in the midst of my own peer pressure, especially "peer pressure" from friends whose kids are good in almost everything.
- PROVIDE OPPORTUNITIES FOR HER TO FAIL. In the past, I've always thought that by encouraging her to try new things, I need to let her feel good about herself, or to let her win. However, I've come to realise that kids need to fail sometimes, in order to succeed in life.
- BE MORE LOVING TOWARDS THOSE UNLIKE MYSELF. This last point is of utmost importance to me as I must admit I tend to draw near to people who are more like myself. Unfortunately, Ariel is my complete opposite. I certainly need to be more understanding towards her, her fears, her worries and even her habits which can be so different from mine.
May 14, 2013
The Highly Sensitive, Slow-to-warm-up Child
"Is your child... Sensitive to almost everything - scratchy clothes, funny tastes, loud noises, a change in routine" - The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D
A friend introduced the above-mentioned book to me recently. Upon reading the back cover, immediately it dawns on me that Ariel, my older girl, is really as what is mentioned - a highly sensitive child (HSC).
As with most HSCs, she's the type who: would never wear clothes that cause a single discomfort (those with an embroidered picture); hates the taste of soy milk, barley, milo (anything that leaves an after taste); is terribly afraid of loud sounds like Lion Dance, stereo (and thus still do not dare to step into a cinema); and feels all nervous about a change in routine unless being told in advance what to expect.
When she was much younger, she's the type who: cried at the door for a 2 whole hours on first day of Daycare; refused to join in any games at birthday parties; shy away from the slide and playground; screamed at any loud noises even during a church worship.
When I saw the book, I regret not reading it earlier. However, I was very relieved that as ignorant a parent as I was, I had done something right. These are what we did right:
1. Provide lots of opportunities for all kinds of experiences
I remember how since Ariel was 3 years old, and we discovered she likes drawing, we started enrolling her in art classes. I remember how I always asked for trial classes and would watch closely her interaction with her teachers (at 3, there's usually very little interaction among kids). We started with very small class ratio, say about 1 teacher to 3 kids, in order that she would not feel overwhelmed. (A HSC feels overwhelmed easily by a high level of activity). Avoid classes that are too huge or where the teacher cannot afford too much attention on a single child. Up till now, at 6 years old, Ariel is still easily overwhelmed by too large a class as she often mentioned how she likes one-to-one tutelage better.
2. Stay with the HSC until she is comfortable with her surrounding
I remember when Ariel first started any new schools, I would have to stay with her for a few sessions before she's comfortable with me being out of sight. I understand how in local school/childcare environment, it is almost impossible to do so, as most teacher feel uncomfortable with parents in the class. However, what I did was to drop her off early in school and try as much as possible to chat with her teachers. Children take their cue from us. When they perceive us being friends to the teachers, they are able to trust the teachers more. This in turn, help them get used to the environment quicker. Also, always assure them that "mommy will be here as soon as you're done". However, DO NOT drag the farewell especially when you notice they are going to cry. Say what you need to say, and leave!
3. If routine should change, run through the change with the HSC
Routine calms a HSC. But their dependency on routines can be a bane. Ariel does not react well to change in routine, even up to now. I would not say I have managed to help her overcome this, I am someone who thrives on routine as well. However, I do know that should there be a change in routine, I had to pre-warn her and tell her what to expect, to minimize her anxiety. She will still feel anxious and uneasy sometimes, but it always helps when I keep her informed. However, as she's older now, I came to realise as well, that over-warning or "over-telling" her what's going to happen creates more anxiety instead. So, tell them only once about the change and don't keep harping on it, else it will backfire!
4. Never push a child to join in any activities. Let her watch from afar
I made a grave mistake when I was eager to get Ariel get her to join in party games or be desensitized to loud sounds. Being someone who has always believed in overcoming fears, I used to ignore her pleas to get out of the theatre or loud worship services until she screamed in protest. For a HSC, the sensitivity to loud noise is as real as that of a child with sensory issues. Do not push the child if they don't want to be near to anything loud or any stimulating activities which overwhelms them. Let them watch from afar at a decibel comfortable to them if it's possible or be a spectator to the game. Although they are not participating in them, the HSC is actually taking in all the sights and sounds. Similarly, never push a HSC to be in the limelight if she doesn't want to. I understand how, in efforts to promote leadership qualities in children these days, schools like to get kids to do performances. However, my take on this is: So what if my child is not in the limelight this time round? So what if she is a bench-warmer? Who knows? One day, she might volunteer herself and that is much more precious than being asked by the teacher to do it ;)
And with this, it brings me to my last point:
5. Manage your own expectations
To be honest, being someone who loves parties, who believes in jumping into the pool and figure how to swim later, I knew straight away that Ariel is totally the opposite of me. I really struggled in the early years of her life and to be frank, even tho' she had come a long way, certain aspects of her still makes me heave a sigh at times. However, as parents, we need to come to realisation that everyone is created differently and every child is an individual by herself. We need to understand that a highly sensitive child will grow up to be a highly sensitive teenager; and a highly sensitive teenager will most likely be a highly sensitive adult in future. The best way to help a HSC cope with the insensitive world is really to accept them for who they are. Once we can manage our expectations, our HSCs will be happier children and more balanced as adults.
I know I'll face greater challenges when Ariel starts formal school education next year. Being a HSC who is also a perfectionist, the realities of formal school education make take a toil on her as she is sensitive to her surrounding and expects herself to be perfect at the same time. Peer pressure and kids politics may set in... well, until then, I shall soldier on ;) Jiayou to me! Will blog about raising a perfectionist if I do overcome... Meanwhile, can only keep her in prayers ;)
A friend introduced the above-mentioned book to me recently. Upon reading the back cover, immediately it dawns on me that Ariel, my older girl, is really as what is mentioned - a highly sensitive child (HSC).
As with most HSCs, she's the type who: would never wear clothes that cause a single discomfort (those with an embroidered picture); hates the taste of soy milk, barley, milo (anything that leaves an after taste); is terribly afraid of loud sounds like Lion Dance, stereo (and thus still do not dare to step into a cinema); and feels all nervous about a change in routine unless being told in advance what to expect.
When she was much younger, she's the type who: cried at the door for a 2 whole hours on first day of Daycare; refused to join in any games at birthday parties; shy away from the slide and playground; screamed at any loud noises even during a church worship.
When I saw the book, I regret not reading it earlier. However, I was very relieved that as ignorant a parent as I was, I had done something right. These are what we did right:
1. Provide lots of opportunities for all kinds of experiences
I remember how since Ariel was 3 years old, and we discovered she likes drawing, we started enrolling her in art classes. I remember how I always asked for trial classes and would watch closely her interaction with her teachers (at 3, there's usually very little interaction among kids). We started with very small class ratio, say about 1 teacher to 3 kids, in order that she would not feel overwhelmed. (A HSC feels overwhelmed easily by a high level of activity). Avoid classes that are too huge or where the teacher cannot afford too much attention on a single child. Up till now, at 6 years old, Ariel is still easily overwhelmed by too large a class as she often mentioned how she likes one-to-one tutelage better.
2. Stay with the HSC until she is comfortable with her surrounding
I remember when Ariel first started any new schools, I would have to stay with her for a few sessions before she's comfortable with me being out of sight. I understand how in local school/childcare environment, it is almost impossible to do so, as most teacher feel uncomfortable with parents in the class. However, what I did was to drop her off early in school and try as much as possible to chat with her teachers. Children take their cue from us. When they perceive us being friends to the teachers, they are able to trust the teachers more. This in turn, help them get used to the environment quicker. Also, always assure them that "mommy will be here as soon as you're done". However, DO NOT drag the farewell especially when you notice they are going to cry. Say what you need to say, and leave!
3. If routine should change, run through the change with the HSC
Routine calms a HSC. But their dependency on routines can be a bane. Ariel does not react well to change in routine, even up to now. I would not say I have managed to help her overcome this, I am someone who thrives on routine as well. However, I do know that should there be a change in routine, I had to pre-warn her and tell her what to expect, to minimize her anxiety. She will still feel anxious and uneasy sometimes, but it always helps when I keep her informed. However, as she's older now, I came to realise as well, that over-warning or "over-telling" her what's going to happen creates more anxiety instead. So, tell them only once about the change and don't keep harping on it, else it will backfire!
4. Never push a child to join in any activities. Let her watch from afar
I made a grave mistake when I was eager to get Ariel get her to join in party games or be desensitized to loud sounds. Being someone who has always believed in overcoming fears, I used to ignore her pleas to get out of the theatre or loud worship services until she screamed in protest. For a HSC, the sensitivity to loud noise is as real as that of a child with sensory issues. Do not push the child if they don't want to be near to anything loud or any stimulating activities which overwhelms them. Let them watch from afar at a decibel comfortable to them if it's possible or be a spectator to the game. Although they are not participating in them, the HSC is actually taking in all the sights and sounds. Similarly, never push a HSC to be in the limelight if she doesn't want to. I understand how, in efforts to promote leadership qualities in children these days, schools like to get kids to do performances. However, my take on this is: So what if my child is not in the limelight this time round? So what if she is a bench-warmer? Who knows? One day, she might volunteer herself and that is much more precious than being asked by the teacher to do it ;)
And with this, it brings me to my last point:
5. Manage your own expectations
To be honest, being someone who loves parties, who believes in jumping into the pool and figure how to swim later, I knew straight away that Ariel is totally the opposite of me. I really struggled in the early years of her life and to be frank, even tho' she had come a long way, certain aspects of her still makes me heave a sigh at times. However, as parents, we need to come to realisation that everyone is created differently and every child is an individual by herself. We need to understand that a highly sensitive child will grow up to be a highly sensitive teenager; and a highly sensitive teenager will most likely be a highly sensitive adult in future. The best way to help a HSC cope with the insensitive world is really to accept them for who they are. Once we can manage our expectations, our HSCs will be happier children and more balanced as adults.
I know I'll face greater challenges when Ariel starts formal school education next year. Being a HSC who is also a perfectionist, the realities of formal school education make take a toil on her as she is sensitive to her surrounding and expects herself to be perfect at the same time. Peer pressure and kids politics may set in... well, until then, I shall soldier on ;) Jiayou to me! Will blog about raising a perfectionist if I do overcome... Meanwhile, can only keep her in prayers ;)
December 26, 2012
Homeschool syllabus - Castles, Knights and Princesses
This time round, Ariel has chosen a not-too-easy topic for holiday homeschooling - Castles, Knights and Princesses.
Woah, for this topic, I must confess I had to spend some time thinking through the learning points and how to incorporate the lesson to include 3 year-old Ainsley as well.
After going through the Questions and Answers Book on Castles and Knights, perhaps 2 Learning Points can be incorporated into this supposedly frivolous topic. And they are 1) Properties of Materials and 2) Machines. It's interesting for Ariel to know that since the ancient days, people have been making use of machines to help make work easier for them.
Some of the topics we touched on include:
1. Qn: When were castles built?
Ans: More than 1,000 years ago.
Learning points: Learning about the AD and BC calendar.
*Ariel was very amazed to learn that if Jesus is still living among us today, he would have been more than 2,000 years old!
2. Qn: Why were castles built on a hill?
Ans: So that people could see their enemies from afar
Learning Points and Activity: Perspective - the higher we are, the further we can see.
*Observe: Look out of your window, what can you see?
*Imagine: Would you be able to see the same things when you're on the ground?
3. Qn: What were castles made of?
Ans: They were first made of wood. But wood is not very strong and they catch fire easily.
Then people tried to cover the walls with leather to prevent fire, but it's expensive and difficult.
(Imagine how many animals they have to slaughter for the hide?) Castles were later made of stones.
Learning Points and Activity: Different things have different properties.
We can change the properties of materials by adding things to them. Eg. How to make paper waterproof?
Activity: Paper Boat folding and waxing the bottom of the boats so they can float longer on water.
* The girls had fun playing with boats!!
Another activity they did was doing "Paper Batik Painting" - Use a candle to draw designs on an
artpaper and paint over it. The designs become "visible" after painting over paper. Why?
4. Qn: What is inside the Castle?
Ans: The castle is often self-sufficient with bakeries, wells.
They had no electricity in the past, and they made their own machines.
Learning Points: Here's when we explore the use of 'wheel and axle' in the working of a well.
Activity: We tied a pail to a rod using raffia string and placed the rod on the back of 2 chairs, to pretend it to be a well.
*The girls had fun putting different things into the pail and pretend they were drawing from a well.
Imagine: What other things use this principle to work? Eg. Their bicycles! They observe how the chains pull the wheels to make their bikes move!!
5. Finally, on the topic on Knights,
Learning Points of : 1) Properties of Materials and 2) Machines are further enhanced as the girls learn
about how a metallic armor and shield can protect the knights from being hurt.
Some of the weapons used during battles eg. the catapault are also "machines" used for attack.
*Biblically, the story of David and Goliath once again fascinated the girls.
From this syllabus, it is interesting to see how there can be so many learning points even in a supposedly 'frivolous' subject. The girls had fun making their own sword and shield from recycled materials, and playing make-belief as knights and princesses.
June 16, 2012
Music for a 5 year-old
Ariel has the privilege of being involved in the Yamaha Electone Festival this year. She was the singer of one of the items.
Ariel started her Yamaha lessons in October last year. To be honest, many people had told me that 'to let your child learn music, it's a big-time commitment, especially where money and time is concerned' and 'the best part is, they get tired of it after a while!! Imagine how much you have invested and then it came to nothing!'. Thus, having heard so much negative comments, I must admit that I was hesitant about sending Ariel for music lessons. I figured that to let the kids learn music, they must have the TALENT!! or be musically-inclined at least!! With Ariel, I must admit I wasn't very keen as she wasn't born with a 'perfect pitch' and sometimes, I would tell myself, "Come on, after all, her talents lies in Art."
However, a visit to Yamaha changed my mind. I must confess that it's out of a kiasu mentality that we decided to enroll her in the JMC program. We signed up just one day before registration closed. My kiasu-Singaporean instinct emerged immediately when I saw lessons being conducted back-to-back since 9am on weekends and more importantly, THERE ARE SO MANY CHILDREN LEARNING MUSIC?!!
So there we go, Yamaha we shall go. To my surprise, after 4 months of music lessons, Ariel's pitch has improved. And surprisingly, she enjoys the lessons so much! (definitely much more than when I was attending music lessons) The songs are catchy and she's eager to practise almost everyday.
However, all is not rosy. I guess the challenge came when we were practising for the Electone Festival. When the pressure set in, I started to be a 'Tiger Mom'. I remember fretting over the times when she sang out of tune, does not want to sing more than once, and when she even threw a fit by sobbing while singing?!! Gosh! I remember thinking to myself, "完了，完了!" What are we going to do? It's just one month to the Finals?
Thanks to Ariel's music teacher, I began to understand how I should go about teaching Ariel and getting her to appreciate music. Her teacher taught us how to 'tune her' slowly and not to push her into long hours of practice, and NEVER NEVER scold her.
In fact, for Ariel, these are the things that helped:
- her practise time was just 3-5 minutes daily, but sometimes twice a day depending on her mood.
- to get Ariel in tune, I realised that what she enjoys about music most is being able to play. So, I taught her the melody part of the song and she could play and sing on her own to get in tune.
- during the times when she refused to practise, I played the song and sang it myself. Even though she refused to sing a single word, I know she is listening.
- and last but not least, we got her to sing into a microphone. For Ariel, it is essential for her to get used to the loudness coz she is afraid of loud noises (can you believe it?!)
The Yamaha Electone Festival is definitely a good experience for her. She is thrilled that she is able to 'perform' and I must admit her improvements gave her much confidence.
Well, we're just into 8 months of learning music so far. I really do not know what the future holds: whether her interest for music will sustain into adulthood; or which musical instrument she would ultimately choose. But I would think that my personal feel about music is, "One's got to enjoy it" and "just like a paintbrush, it is a powerful tool for expression. If one is to just master the technicalities of it or play just for certification, I guess it will all be rather meaningless....."
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